My husband and I celebrated a perfectly wonderful day today. I was featured at an awards ceremony that celebrated some of the highlights in my career thus far. Although I did not win the big award, it was a great moment to be recognized for many of the things I accomplished before and after the big “C.”
We were both exhausted. We hadn’t slept last night.
We wanted to pretend that we stayed up all night unable to sleep last due to the excitement about the anticipation of the big flashing lights and awards ceremony, but we both had something weighing heavily on our minds. Two things mostly. My right lung and my left lung. I have a lung CT scan looming on the horizon due to the cough that won’t stop coughing no matter what we have thrown at it (mostly a few rounds of antibiotics, steroids, more steroids, and asthma tests galore).
We had a heavy conversation this evening about wondering when do we get to not wonder if things are the cancer returning and when a cough will just be a cough and when will a headache just be a headache. It has been nearly two years since I finished radiation and every twinge brings that deep fear, questioning and life reflection. The “what if’s” are less intense from the first few times we did them, but the cycle seems to continue. Everything seems normal, something gets a little bumpy or lumpy and BOOM, world explodes. You know… normal dinner conversation. That is what this is right?
It is just supposed to get easier with time, the scares less scarey. I haven’t fully figured out what this perfect world of survivorship and thrivorship looks like, but I imagine that I will take it one day at a time just like treatment. So tomorrow I will put one foot in front of the other, get to that appointment and take it from there. No more coming up with the possibilities that may not exist, just face those that are here and now.
I will also eat my veggies.