One Foot in Front of the Other

| September 12, 2013 | 0 Comments

calendarMy hus­band and I cel­e­brated a per­fectly won­der­ful day today. I was fea­tured at an awards cer­e­mony that cel­e­brated some of the high­lights in my career thus far. Although I did not win the big award, it was a great moment to be rec­og­nized for many of the things I accom­plished before and after the big “C.”

We were both exhausted. We hadn’t slept last night.

We wanted to pre­tend that we stayed up all night unable to sleep last due to the excite­ment about the antic­i­pa­tion of the big flash­ing lights and awards cer­e­mony, but we both had some­thing weigh­ing heav­ily on our minds. Two things mostly. My right lung and my left lung. I have a lung CT scan loom­ing on the hori­zon due to the cough that won’t stop cough­ing no mat­ter what we have thrown at it (mostly a few rounds of antibi­otics, steroids, more steroids, and asthma tests galore).

We had a heavy con­ver­sa­tion this evening about won­der­ing when do we get to not won­der if things are the can­cer return­ing and when a cough will just be a cough and when will a headache just be a headache. It has been nearly two years since I fin­ished radi­a­tion and every twinge brings that deep fear, ques­tion­ing and life reflec­tion. The “what if’s” are less intense from the first few times we did them, but the cycle seems to con­tinue. Every­thing seems nor­mal, some­thing gets a lit­tle bumpy or lumpy and BOOM, world explodes. You know… nor­mal din­ner con­ver­sa­tion. That is what this is right?

Heavy stuff.

It is just sup­posed to get eas­ier with time, the scares less scarey. I haven’t fully fig­ured out what this per­fect world of sur­vivor­ship and thrivor­ship looks like, but I imag­ine that I will take it one day at a time just like treat­ment. So tomor­row I will put one foot in front of the other, get to that appoint­ment and take it from there. No more com­ing up with the pos­si­bil­i­ties that may not exist, just face those that are here and now.

I will also eat my veggies.

 

Category: Grow

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